Deadly Pwnies

2:20pm. The lunch rush was over so I headed down to that weird food court thing on Lambton Quay to get myself a lazy caramel smoothie. Let’s face it. It’s a milkshake. I’m not proud.

But I did want the thing quickly. That’s meant to be one of the great things about smoothies - you grab it and go sit in the sun for a peaceful few minutes while you try to forget your oppressive (and harshly air-conditioned) office environment.

Not today, though. Not for me. At 2:20pm, when I ordered my smoothie from Tank, a small queue had already started to form. Four people waiting. I was surprised but thought nothing of it. I ordered my smoothie via a machine with hilariously bad UX and then I waited.

One person was on staff and she seriously couldn’t give a f***. I’m not exaggerating when I say it appeared she was moving in slow motion. After 10 minutes she had made one smoothie but then she decided it was time to unpack some straws and so she did that for a bit. Next she made some of a salad. Taking her time. Maybe she was practicing mindfulness. Then she washed some dishes and got back to the salad. Another couple of people ordered and she got an order wrong but the man didn’t demand she make it again (Maybe there is a god?). The whole thing was excruciating - so much so that I even made sympathetic eye contact with other prisoners.

After 35 minutes of me standing like an idiot in a Foodcourt she handed me my smoothie. It had been so long that the ice had already melted. I chugged it like a first year engineering student with a Tui and sat back at my desk.